Tuesday, September 28, 2004

i love my baseball magnets to bits. so cute. and the are 2 of them that can actualy dance cuz of the magnet and the magnetic field just forces each other so that they end up twirling.. haha. will bring to class to play tml. ha. fun. =) i thinbk i will go library to study. can't study with sb ppl. will get distracted with human traffic.. so library is the best. found out josh is a damn sentimental guy. haha kinda sweet.. yeah hope u find ur doggie!

promos coming. hope i dun screw up this time. math should be ok. if i dun cock eye and have mental block. econs, hope i know what the qns is asking for. history, pray i finish studying. gp, just think english. chinese, just don't murder me. haha if i sound like i am not in the right state of mind. yeah of cuz. promos is coming. and i am slaving.. bleah. 3 more days and doomsday will be here..

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jaded out
@ |11:54 PM|
Sunday, September 26, 2004

hm. how would i describe a day like that? wonderful but sad? talked to an old fren and realised alot of things. it's been a long time since we had any chance to sit down and talk serious stuff. managed the 2 hour conversation on phone.. not really used to chatting so much on the phone.. would have met up with her if not for the blasted promos.. sigh. how fragile can friendships get? very.

it got me pondering about life. again. haha and alot of other things.. come to think about it, friendship is like marriage. the people involved have got to really put in the effort to maintain a healthy relationship.. in times of conflict and arugments, both parties have to really give and take. cuz friendship is not so much about how much you receive but how much you give, and sacrifice. definitely some people are just bound to give more while others take more..

i suppose sometimes, everyone has got their own expectations and how they want the friendship to be like. when we fall short of these expectation, problem arise.. the higher the expectations, the harder you fall. but why set the standards? these standards would only represent the amount that you are expecting to get, to receive.. wouldn't you feel happier giving rather than receiving? of cuz there would come a point where you wonder if the other parties appreciate all the effort put in.. but i think that is secondary..

at the end of the day, true friends are those are will be there by your side when you are down and out. those who would be around to support you when u can't do it yourself. it not so much of how often we meet up or the gifts or even the amount of time spent together. it is about the care and concern we show, the love and the feelings. isn't it?

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jaded out
@ |10:32 AM|
Friday, September 24, 2004

hm. promos are here. i am not prepared, i am not going to give a damn. well, at least i feel like i dun give a damn. haha but that is not going to happen. i am going to get promoted this year and i don't give a f***ing damn about the world. sigh. these next 7 - 14 days are so hard to bear. trying to study is like trying to force me to drink poison. my brain is totally rejecting the idea of study. couldn't get history into my brain for nuts. wth. i stared at the notes for threee hours and i was not sure what went in. sigh

felt damn sad on wednesday. never expected it to be like that but yah. i suppose such things happen. i should have known. it triggered me to write a rather sentimental diary entry. f*** it. it made me feel even worse. even more unwilling to study. hope it is just a passing thing. hm. got alot of pinned up energy in me. frustrated. restless. unhappy. sometimes i feel like crying but the tears never seem to come. bleah.

nonetheless, i should focus on my short term goal - getting promoted.

anyway, miss you guys.. hope these sucky days end quickly and we can meet asap =)

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jaded out
@ |5:44 PM|
Friday, September 17, 2004

hm this is going to be another of those meaningless entries. those random moods coming in. it's kinda dangerous to leave my alone and with nothing much to do.. i start thinking about stuff and .. well thinking stupid stuff and get myself sad and confused. hm.. haha shall soon have to adopt the name 'confused little girl'.. not sure where to go from here. life is a path that goes on. with no signposts to guide me. i am no different from a blind man. getting tired of going against the current.

tots that i swore never to think about again just popped into my mind again. hm really? this is all to familiar. that same old feeling. will i have the willpower. it is so complicated. too complicated. yet i am too tired to think. bleah.

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jaded out
@ |9:28 PM|
Monday, September 13, 2004

benja is an arsehole for keeping me up so late to help him print his essay out. i am an even bigger arsehole for argeeing to help him. btw, the time is 2 am monday morning. my day starts at 6 am and lessons begin at 8am till 6.30pm. with onlt 1 hour of break in between the whole day of lessons. i have yet to finish the promo paper. wth. sigh. i need sleep. if not i will be of swearing in school... fingers crossed, i get enuff sleep.. double pe. and math make up... need to keep m,yself awake .... sigh. freak man freak..

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jaded out
@ |1:59 AM|
Sunday, September 12, 2004

went to see doctor just now. hm doctor spoke with a slang. was kind of shocked. haha 1st look at him. dyed blonde hair with black roots showing, very pale skin..damn skinny guy. he told me i was under too much stress le.. screwed up by digestion and every thing.. wahah aicic. hmm. new fact learnt today. got mc le. hope miss tie will accpet that mc too. if not detention..

presently trying to finish my history notes. done with nap. now for 1848.. i swear i am going to listen to kct lectures from now on.. missed out quite a bit.. damn. sigh~ need to pia the 2 essays out... too lazy to eat lunch.. no time too.. do i sound like a scatteredbrain? i think i do. a bit disoriented after looking at all the pieces of notes and trying to complie them into one.. if u gto a chane to look at my hisotry file, u can see 1/2 of it is FR, and as the chapters proceed, the notes get fewer.. sigh~ need to go look for notes le... not enuff leh.. but where to find.. i have to go swimmin gin the library le. by the way, the school library sucks.. but i love the self study tables.. good for studying..

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jaded out
@ |2:11 PM|
Saturday, September 11, 2004

today was a nice day to sun yourself. it was so blardie sunny.. dun turn red from the heat sia.. haha i was armed with my sunblock and haha thank god.. i am not a lobster today. wahahaha. yeah!!
the day strated off with diarrehoea... wah.. twice in 50 minutes. then when i reached school was went off for training. couldn't get my mc cuz when i reached home, clinic was closed.. will go tml to get it. if ms tie say anything..oh well..

anyway, today was slack training again. all the newbies came. i think they should be keen to stay.. didn't let them field cuz they were not prepared to.. have yet to teach them.. been giving crash course all the basics... so much to teach them sia.. then everyone was fielding and rayson was complaining today was his bad day.. never sleep, batting, fielding throwing pitching all not good.. 'threw tantrum' took off his shoe and cap and threw them on the floor. bryan cam from behinf and tired to pull his pants down. well jj shorts sux. they ripped and rayson had a SUPER high slit.. sexy baby..muahhahaa. was distracted by his slit the rest of the day..

today got our 1st major casuality - patsy got hit near the eye.. haha like kuan siang. and i think rayson abit guilty. today was really not his day.. then he went to buy 1 pack of ice and cuz ice only use a few piece.. we went to buy 100 plus and used the ice. the cooler in sotre was finally put to use!! wahah so evil right .. ppl injured yet we 'celebrate' =P hahah. today was also not very good for me.. didn't feel good. throwing also not good. pitch ok. batting good!! haha.. i think coaching is very taxing in the brain.. yes it is. my brain was so tired.. but my body wasn't. sigh.. need to mug for promos le..

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jaded out
@ |7:50 PM|
Wednesday, September 08, 2004

sigh. just came back from zoo. sole is kinda sore from all the walking.. the day started off quite well.. realised that the doors into jp actually open quite early.. haha sorry about the wrong info.. spoilt the plan to eat mac breakfast.. =P wahha well just treat it as a way to help me save money k? anyway i am broke so the class owes me $10 for the tags and josh, u owe me $16. this girl is broke. and dun try to cheat this nice girl of her money.. pay up pay up...

haha my buddy riduan is very shy and quiet. ha but will talk when he wants to lah.. he's been to the zoo not long ago. haha so the trip was a bit sianz.. zooz as usual was hot, humid and smelly. sigh. had forked out $20 for the trip. but i think it is well spent.. i think only.. heh. i didn't take alot of pictures. just sat ard to talk. the rest took quite alot. trigger happy people.. wahaha.. after the softball carnival. lost the interest in 'photography' 100+ pictures.. dun play play k..

haha there was this girl who liked fuzhi wahaha. wah it was damn obvious lah.. i knew it the moment i saw the girl sit beside fuzhi and the way she looked at him after the picture was taken.. haha the girl was hitting and chasing him ard the playground.. i think fuzhi was tramatised. haha.. but there worse part was where there was a black money on the loose. tried to grab food from the baby carriages.. thank god there were no babies in them.. but it did managed to grab the bag from the indian woman... feeling damn shagged now..

sigh tml got math and i can go vomit blood. not finished with the assigments cuz the remaining questions are damn damn hard lah - i will get loads of white hair for thinking so hard.. wahaha. damn and the history homework. more blood.. haha thank god i do not have pw anymore =P my condolences guys.. it will be over soon...

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jaded out
@ |6:18 PM|
Tuesday, September 07, 2004

sigh. my bro screwed up his external harddisk by tripping over some wires. sigh. now i have to use his com while he uses my com to fix stuff.. i think all his 4000 songs and games are lost.. till he dls them again.. but technically, i am using my OLD computer. wahah. sigh. this comp is shit man. shall not touch on that anymore.

went back to jj to do hw cuz i just can't do anything at home. then had training with rayson.. did pitching most of the time. bryan and tam came for a while.. damn, i still can't remember that person's name. erm erm.. forget it.. yah. i always cannot pitch properly in the beginning. too high too low, too much right. sigh.. BUT if u put in the effort u will get what u want right.. wahhaa yes arh.. ah tam was batting then i pitched and i had 4 strikes in a row!!! oh i was so blardie excited!! wah the sense of achievement. wah. shiok sia. haha discussed about training with rayson and baoyue. hmm. want to implement. then not sure also.. hm hate the idea of the 5 day week.. means the team loses a very precious day of trainng.. intend to hold trainngs on sat as usual. but will find somewhere else.. very important since we have compeition next year. must have more trainings..

going zoo tml. $20++ will hence disappear from my pocket. dang~ i want to buy the wallet.. i am saving money.. can't the world spare a tot for me?

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jaded out
@ |9:35 PM|
Sunday, September 05, 2004

this is my 100th entry in this blog of mine. haiz. offically started mugging. bleah. haha but guess what. this little brain of mine just loves to wonder.. all day long i daydream. terrible lah.. what i dream about? a carefree life, about the past, about how things should be, about what i want in life and how i would achieve them.. oh well, they didn't create the phrase 'building sandcastles in the air' for nothing.

year one is coming to an end soon. i get nightmares sometimes.. haha i hope these are not going to be deja vus.. if they do come true, i am never going to be happy again. so i am going to mug. mug. mug. hmmz talking about dreams, i have got to tell you some things that i read about in a magazine.. did u know even if u don't exercise, it helps to dream and imagine yourself exercising? the brain sends signals to your body and it somewhat helps keep your muscles tone. haha but still rel exercise is what your body needs to keep in shape.

yesterday bryan, rayson, patsy and me went to watch the softball IVT. [inter vasity tournment]hmm. saw the guys match 1st and think that the guys still have a long way to go... but they can do it - if they train hard enough.. it's nice to know some of the guys do regular throwing on their own.. then saw the girls match. hm NUS vs NP. it was terrible watching ngee ann play and get trashed. to see the mistakes they make is just heartbreaking.. looking at them play made me think about the past again.. this year, the girls have finally managed to form a team.. i am going to push them harder.. not going to have them repeat the same mistakes again. me included. as a senior.. i have to be a role model.. and i think MC expects that from me too.. still thinking about how to achieve that. at the mean time, i will be concentrating on solidfying the basics of the team.. alot of do.. hopefully there is still time..

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jaded out
@ |1:03 PM|
Saturday, September 04, 2004

sigh. from the next training onwards, no matter if it rains or shine, i am going to apply sunblock. today i think i turned two, three shades darker. this is bad lah. u know my aunt was teasing me just now.. i was sitting in a dark room and she walked by. she then commented to my mom, 'if she didn't smile, i don't think i would be able to see her!! she is so dark..' (-_-') it's not my fauth that i get dark so easily. haha the good thing about me is i get dark and not burnt. =) heehee. suntann without the pain.. wah. still sunblock sunblock..

today was good. had training and i pitched for our internal friendly game... wah!! i got someone striked out today.. my 1st one!!! *muacks* haha but very stressed lah.. my pitches are not consistent. got all over the place. accept the ocassional nice pitch. haha next time i will go throw/pitch ball when i am free. my throws are going haywire.

oh oh!! something damn exciting happened. we have a team!! two newbies joined us today.. 7+2=9 wah enough le.. then there is to be another girl.. she has yet to turn up.. wah. this is great. even though the 2 newbies are here for a trial. i think this is a good start. i am going to train double-ly hard. maybe go do my own PT this holidays.. oh my.. this is so exciting.. praying the girls would stay..

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jaded out
@ |7:13 PM|

have you ever had the feeling of having fallen 200 feet and crashed in the world below? yup. that's how i feel now and i seemed to have crashed my way to the grave.

dead, i rise from the grave and seek to resolve the unfinished business.. i died while you lived. we are now living in separate worlds and we can never meet. we were never meant to be.. while you move on, i will be stuck here to haunt my past.

sometimes, i feel like a ghost - hollow, faint. you can see me but you can never touch me. i am something you will never be able to grasp. and there will always be this barrier between us...

why am i typing all this crap? it's just me being very bored. and perhaps it's got to do with the things that have been on my mind lately. these feelings in me that never seems to go away. depression? nah. just unhappy. discontented. jealous. neglected. waiting. waiting. waiting. when will it be over my fren?

if I ain't got you with me baby, Nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing.. If I ain't got you with me baby

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jaded out
@ |1:09 AM|
Friday, September 03, 2004

hmm. nothing to blog about this week. uneventful. holidays are finally here but i am in no holiday mood. surprise - i started doing the math holiday assignemnt already. haha i am freaking myself out. heaven has been good to me. 2 girls have dropped from somewhere and joined the sb team. however, whether they are going to stay is another thingy lah. *fingers crossed - stay and have more gals join!!*

sian. in a dilemma. bleah. dun care lah. shall carry out the plan and decided. i wonder what will happen.. dun want half the team going off to poly next year seh.. i think i will faint. oh well. mood swings have arrived once again. together with the pimples. dang~ stress le. but then i am sleeping more these days... alot more. why am i so tired?

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jaded out
@ |10:50 PM|

Aerosmith - i don't wanna miss a thing

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank god we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time


;) to someone out there.. hee hee.. i bet u would love this song..

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jaded out
@ |10:47 PM|
Wednesday, September 01, 2004

P.O.D - Youth of The Nation
Last day of the rest of my life
I wish I would've known
Cause I didn't kiss my mama goodbye

I didn't tell her that I loved her and how much I care
Or thank my pops for all the talks
And all the wisdom he shared

Unaware, I just did what I always do
Everyday, the same routine
Before I skate off to school

But who knew that this day wasn't like the rest
Instead of taking a test
I took two to the chest

Call me blind, but I didn't see it coming
Everybody was running
But I couldn't hear nothing

Except gun blasts, it happened so fast
I don't really know this kid
Even though I sit by him in class

Maybe this kid was reaching out for love
Or maybe for a moment
He forgot who he was
Or maybe this kid just wanted to be hugged
Whatever it was
I know it's because

[chorus:]
We are, We are, the youth of the nation

Little Suzy, she was only twelve
She was given the world
With every chance to excel

Hang with the boys and hear the stories they tell
She might act kind of proud
But no respect for herself

She finds love in all the wrong places
The same situations
Just different faces

Changed up her pace since her daddy left her
Too bad he never told her
She deserved much better

Johnny boy always played the fool
He broke all the rules
So you would think he was cool

He was never really one of the guys
No matter how hard he tried
Often thought of suicide

It's kind of hard when you ain't got no friends
He put his life to an end
They might remember him then

You cross the line and there's no turning back
Told the world how he felt
With the sound of a gat

[chorus]

Who's to blame for the lives that tragedies claim
No matter what you say
It don't take away the pain

That I feel inside, I'm tired of all the lies
Don't nobody know why
It's the blind leading the blind

I guess that's the way the story goes
Will it ever make sense
Somebody's got to know

There's got to be more to life than this
There's got to be more to everything
I thought exists

[chorus]

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jaded out
@ |1:47 PM|