me
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yuhua
girl turning 19 on 26/3/05
typical teenager
loves updating her blog
loves reading other people's blogs
i actually don't mind reading books
i love shopping
new bagpack for school
pretty softball bat
many many clothes
my own house
car
nice ring
new computer
many many caps
team bag
teva sandels
new mizuno softball
many feeder players to join vipers
new shoes
new boots
:: watch all the movies i missed ::
:: finish my revision ::
:: find prince charming ::
:: have a room to myself ::
:: be independent ::
:: be a good daughter ::
:: good results ::
:: get my driver's license ::
:: blank cheque ::
:: remove wisdom tooth ::
:: meet elijah wood ::
:: be happy for all eternity ::
josh 04a2
faizal
benja
andre
my new blog
fave songs/lyrics
Dionne 03a1
Baoyue
Tingren
Shawn
yalan
Guolin
mel
jasmine softball
elda
timmy
patsy
yuhui
yeli others
layz
geokz
bing
nadzi
nat
serene
ros
yuen mei
:: chanel ::
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i am so SAD!!! urgh. ok i bought my new glove but it's not the colour i wanted.. my god. you know what the sales lady said? she said they no longer sell it anymore. oh my. you could hear my heart breaking. it's like i went into the shop then i saw all the gloves and i couldn't spot the one that i wanted. then i asked the lady and she said no stock and they are not selling it no more.. AAAHHHHH!!!! *sobz* this is devastating lah. how could this even happen to me. it's only been 6 months since i last when there. how come so fast one. went there the other time and there were still around 10 bluish grey ones left on the shelf.... why no more le......UUUUUUUURRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!
hmm. boring boring. i don't know what i want lah basically. now all i am going to do is just give my best for everything. really sick of alot of stuff. confused and sometimes simply irritated. urgh. haha i think my mood swings are back again.
when out win-shopping. note win shopping. only spent money on food. sigh of cuz come to think about the money i am about to spend for softball. sigh~ bag $45. shirt $28 x 2. cap $15. that would add up to a hefty $100. and i just managed to save $110 lah. i want the $155 glove lah. =) and my ball.. haha my ball is like sch ball le. sigh~ damaged.. hee hee. u know what i intend to do? i will kop one of the sch leather balls and swap it with mine! am i smart? haha i don'think i would do that though.. prolly just a tot.
haha i feel happy today. wait. i feel happy these few days. perhaps it is because i have been enlightened. yupz. i have now got a new approach to things.
hm. nothing to blog about. so didn't blog. presently not in my PMS mood. at least not since monday i think. haha. yeah. i think i think too much and worry over nothing. yeah. stupid me. and i realised i talk too much. i tried to reduce. and what u get is those teapots. you know. u try to keep the steam in and as a result, the pressure just causes the kettle to burst? yeah. keep it in too much and you get the idea.. =(
hi hi. i am now using my brother's com to blog. hm. my computer didn't get hit by virus after all. but there is no difference lah.
Evanescence - bring me to life
GET LOST IF YOU DON'T FREAKING CARE. GET LOST AND I DON'T NEED YOU IN MY LIFE. JUST SCREW OFF. I DON'T NEED YOU. SCEW OFF. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. STOPPING ACTING LIKE YOU CARE WHEN YOU DON'T. DON'T EVEN BOTHER. I WILL MAKE IT ON MY OWN.
wah. u know what i really feel like doing now? i want to cry. just cry out like nobody's business. cry for 7 days 7 nights also can... got alot of things on my mind now. mostly softball stuff i guess and the build up of everything before. thank god i dun have any crushes at this moment. it will just sap more of my mental energy away.. really tired now. feel stretched.
hm. feeling much much better after dinner. not pissed amymore. maybe cuz i have now switched my attention to my brother.. haha he fell down the slope somewhere in school, then broke his glasses and got scratched by it. hm. he's going to see the ear specialist monday to check if anything was wrong. apparently, the cut hurt some nerve connect to the ear. need to check his hearing.. .. half the face's kinda swollen. haha his injury created a little unroar at home. my grandparent's favourite.. of cuz heart ache to see him injured.. haha he can't really smile or laugh.
wah i am damn fucking pissed now. i really hate it when people 'fang wo ge zhi'. that time was the orchard incident. i spent around 4 hours in orchard alone, waiting for that one person lah. this time people happily send sms to me asking me whether i wanna go swimming anot. sms at 4.15 ask me meet at 5. i rush all the way up waste 20 minutes. then waited for 45 freaking minutes. fuck. i hate it lor. and i called lor. i am not that angry that they didn't inform me that it was tomorrow. [like i would know if yodidn't tell me] but i called and you people don't pick up the freaking phone! i called KH twice and A, 3 times lah. from the moment i called A till know, it's been more than an hour lah. i am damn pissed and she was the one who imformed me the details and happily forget to tell me it's tomorrow. fuck.
life is such a pain in the arse. mood swings happening every few hours. feeling damn pissed and lethagic. and i can't find out the reason why. went pitching for a while then was thinking about things. then i got pissed. must be the accummulated unhappiness inside. dunnoe why.
sigh, damn bored doing mcq. no concentration. which kuku designed the papers like that. huh. can use brains anot. this is stopid idea lah. see lah. i lose momentum le. cannot mug. shit later i fail my mcq... choy choy.. touchwood.. but really. irritating. leh
what's it like to prick your finger? will it hurt?
was pouring all my sorrows out just now. i think josh nearly drowned. feeling damn depressed. imagination running wild. i think i am going to have many many nightmares. hopefully they will remain as nightmares and not become reality. fag. damn sad now. i am like a cup that's full. i want to empty myself. but it will make no difference. once emptied, it will soon fill up again. why waste the effort of emptying? when u keep pouring into the full cup, the excess just over flows and it is stil full? will it be fuller? no. so i shall live each day like the full cup. anything more that comes down to me will make no difference no more.
haha had pool tution for free just now. sia lah.. good good. my pool is improving.. did some stuns and learnt new stuff. =) hee hee.. and found a new place to pool!! quite ok. muahaha.. yes arh.. sigh. i am mad. will go study econs right after dinner.
lo and behold. the pro,os have ended!! OMG! wahwahwhahwahwaha. the relief, the happiness.. and of cuz the anticipation. sia lah. kinda wondering that my results will be like. am quite definite i will be promoted. if i don't then something must be wrong with the results my man. wahaha actually i think i will fail history. if not i will just scrap through for it. really horrible lah, for both papers, i did one question damn well then the other qns.. CMI. never study finish how to make it. haha. but i did crap my way to a 3,4 page essay. the most pitiful was that SEA qn 2.. 2 and a half. wahaha. die le. anyway also dun have the time. most of it spent on source base. pray and home. i get ard 16 for source base, hopefully 16 for europe essay 1 and maybe 13 for essay 2. then my pathethic SEA qn 2 will only need 5 marks to pass. wahahah. good planning eh?
hm. still having promos. as predicted elasticity came out.. and i only crammed the info in the morning. 1/2 an hour before the paper.. haha vomitted everything out. hm hopefully. i don't fail in this qns again. actually. i hope to score well. though i think i am going to just pass for the essay part.. i didn't complete the part qns 2b] dang~ 13 marks.
hm. my last post was on the 28th sept. today is the 4th. wah nearly one week since i last blogged. so long. actually i am online everyday . just that i lazy to blog. today had math paper. stumbled in the beginning. be got better near the end. oh well. lets see how much i get, and josh. i am going to score higher than you. I WILL! muahahah..
Sunday, October 31, 2004
sigh~ my old glove is still in working condition but i am not sure it may last me till next year given the fact that i would be using it intensifly in the next year. so even if the glove is not there anymore, i bought another one. it's the same model but light brown. i am PRAYING it's not the same as rayson's. urgh i am totally heartbroken. i really am. even though i got a new glove. i could't get the one i wanted. i saved really hard for the past few weeks to reach $155. at least i got some money left. $15. you know normally if you have been anticipating something. then when it finally comes you would be super duper happy? well i don't feel that way now. i have been feeling blue every since the saleslady told me no more. i think i will never smile again. oh, the pain. ouch ouch ouch
going to buy shin guard. saw some at the shop ard $25. hmm. maybe tml go shopping with dad call him to buy one for me. then my shoes. u know what i think nike shoes are damn low quality. or maybe it's just the way i use the shoe. the soles are wearing out damn fast. i can predict by the end of the year, i would be going to buy another pair. hm lookingofr new hp too. hee hee. my bro can change his model soon. hm. i think i shall wait for a while before i go buy a new phone. i saw angela's phone god it's pretty. hm. i think i would have saved enough by next year, after a levels to buy it. would prolly be mugging so much i wun have the chance to shop.
hm. yeah that's my latest resolution. i will save as much money and not ask mom for money when i need to buy things. this will start with effect from today - after i have gotten my shin guard. so in future, my handphones, shoes watever i will PAY. so.. i had better start saving again. my bank account is almost zero.
jaded out
@ |2:44 PM|
hee hee. yesterday was a good day cuz haha mc said i was not bad. that was in the beginning of training.. haha then later everyone caught up lah. =P haha yesterday was really a good day. did bunting then base running. heehee i didn't screw up. well maybe abit but. yeah. i was CONCENTRATING. hmm. glad i am no longer distracted by some ppl.=P when to watch the match at kallang. it was ok. saw a nice lady pitching hee so cool. k she shall be my idol. going kallang did watch much. well at least i am not a person who likes to watch matches. it was more like a chance for me to go and throw and pitch. haha oops.
haha pitching too! improved le. wahaha damn happy. it's be damn long since i last saw any of my pitches going straight into the glove. haha i am damn prouded. prolly my pitching style changed so yeah.. would probably go for the pitcher/catcher training on mondays. wah it's going to be xiong but i will pull through yeah yeah. haha enough of my rumblings about softball...
those idiots in class are really irritating arh. you irritating buggers. keep laughing about my optional trainings. DUN HAVE OPTIONAL TRAININGS ANYMORE LE LAH.
jaded out
@ |9:43 AM|
hm. wasted my time away haha. today not really fruitful. went walking ard orchard looking for the team shirt. then the bags and cap. oh well. sorta got the idea what we want. hm. didn't go to sch today haha. the intention was to skip KCT tutorial. wake up at 7. then leave the house at 7.30 reach sch at 8.30 in time to change for pe. haha but. erm. hee hee i did woke up at 7. then i didn't get out of bed so i ended up sleeping till 11.30. oops. haha. what a pig =P
haha was thinking about what positions i wanna play. then realised i got no preferred positions. ya. i got train for pitcher lah. but catcher. i dunnoe leh. my reaction slow. someone ball snese not very good. i like 1st base but i think this time ard MC might not put me there to play. hm. aiyah i anything lah. i will take any position one. hm. oh did i mention i am suddenly afraid of balls. urgh. die. die die. why like that. i also dunnoe why leh. i suddenly realised.. wah that is really disater lah..
must have been bryan's ball. i see then i never go for the ball though it was very near to me. cuz the bal really very fast. i scared. die le lah. how can scared of ball one... urgh~ nightmare. maybe i see more of the pitching machine balls then use to fast ball. then i not scared le. hopefully.
jaded out
@ |10:49 PM|
haha. the biggest problem with me would be i am too impatitent. yup. i am. haha. oh well nothing to blog. everyoneis having their pw. well.. i am idleing. waiting for them to end. so i can have some fun. yup.
jaded out
@ |8:34 PM|
sigh. losing interest in studies. didn't pay attention in class today. sigh. how leh. aiyoyo. need to borrow notes from other people for math.
hm. i am not sure what i want in life. i want to be myself. but i want to change my unwanted traits. uh would that mean i am going to change myself. would old friends see me and think: hey how come yuhua's changed? hm dilemma. bleah.
jaded out
@ |10:38 PM|
it happened at 1am this morning. was chatting with josh when for no reason my com just shrank. tried to adjust the screen but still cannot see alot of stuff. scared like shit. thought my com got hit by virus. then some parts of the com cannot click and stuff. haha but now i know the truth. my monitor spoil. so what i am clicking maynot be what i am clicking. do i make sense. haha i doubt so. bleah. haha but bro is having his o levels. that means he would not be doing much computer gadget shopping. shall endure the misery for the next weeks. or months to come. meanwhile i shall enterain myself with the games he dled. the MVP baseball is cool. the racing game with funky music. my driving sucks. haha. nvm i am picking up fast. had tremendous improvement. after i have learnt the skills. i shall play rally. i failed rally the other time i played it. i am off the track 50% of the time. crashing into everything in my path. wahaha. sigh~.. i hope when i start to learn driving, the same would not happen. touchwood. touchwood..
very tired now. mommy made me herbal tea that gives me better sleep. today training. tml training.[makeup for others] wednesday training. saturday training. wah xiong sia. oh and i got back my mcq. a bit bit disappointed with 22. cuz i had 2 careless mistakes. 24 would be nice. sigh~ oh well it is still good. sigh. miss tie scolded eu yee. eu yee got O for her econs. sigh~ i am not sure about her math. i hope she passes. her econs foundation is too weak. if she wants to pass her econs at A level. she would need either to stay one year or mug damn hard during holidays. remembering facts and understanding is not enough. must fully understand and able to manipulate the information. haha i used to only remember the facts and understand the concept. but all that is filmsy grasp. to do mcq and essays and data response. you must have solid foundation or else it is impossible to do much. can never go beyond a mere pass. yup yup. hm. maybe i should give her econs consultation? haha. but one joshua oh is enough. 1.30 am ask me question. idiot.
glad that sch is back to normal. keeps me occupied with stuff. so i don't think too much. yupz. oh gotta sleep. i am barely able to keep my eyes open.. (-_-)zzZZ
jaded out
@ |9:55 PM|
how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where i've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become
now that i know what i'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before i come undone
save me from the nothing i've become
bring me to life
frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead
all this time i can't believe i couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life
jaded out
@ |11:43 AM|
jaded out
@ |11:34 PM|
alot of things have happened to me since i entered jc. so amny things crashing down. meeting new ppl. trying to fit in and make new friends. worrying about losing bonds with old ones. trying to except the fact that i might not be able to enjoy the kind of cosiness back in secondary sch. crushes. exams. training. retaining. accepting the whole fact of that. having to adapt to everything cuz things have changed so drastically. meeting parents expectations. my own expectations. fear. failure. understanding and trying to understand new things i experince. trying to copy with my own feelings and understand my own actions. feeling constrainted by my enviroment. hoping and being disappointed in the end. having my support shattered. really distanting from the frens i loved so dearly. in despair. lost. crying in my heart. new responsibilities. new problems. new fears. stress. pressure. worried. my future. what do i want? are the things i am doing now right? surressing the desire to break away - to just give up on everything. mentally, physically tired. losing concentration. vicious cycle. frustration. cornered. no one to turn to. stretched. cramped. suffocating. drowning...
i need a break. i need a break or i will break.
jaded out
@ |10:46 PM|
the doctor didn't tell him how many stitches he had. but he thinks it's around 10. ouch. i would have died of pain even if it was only one stitch.. respect. haha alot of blood. pants and shirt. bloody...muahah. hee hee realised i can't really see blood without feeling queasy. urgh.. -vomit bloods, sees blood and faints-
hm. i foresee alot of tonic being brewed for his consumption in the days to come. haha.. hmm. been thinking about my belly button. yes, my infected belly button. mommy asked me to go hospital to have it checked today. but 1. i am clueless about how to do it. 2. i have got no company. 3. i am basically too lazy to go lah. dunnoe why the hole just refuses to recover. it will get infected once in a while. the bardie doctor whom i paid $20 for did not cure it lah. sigh~ maybe will accomapny bro to the hospital when he goes for his check up . then MAYBE i wil go and have it checked.. stupid belly button..
jaded out
@ |7:31 PM|
wah and the day gets better. i got home already feeling very pissed le. then my grandfather tells me my brother fell and got a cut under his eye. he's now in NUH. today's date is friday the 15th but how come it feels like friday the 13 to me? freak man. freak. screw off!!!
jaded out
@ |6:15 PM|
i don't seem to be able to concentrate while pitching. my mind will wonder off. think about other stuff. i guess that's why i can never see to pitch the ball in. i think too much. think about stupid stuff.. and getting myself upsaet. also for dunnoe what reason. dunnoe what to do these few days. placed the glove back in my locker le. been pitching for the past few days. dun see the point anyway.
humans have unlimited wants and needs. for me, i only want one thing. one thing. i want everything to be perfect. is it that hard?
" and i don't want the world to see me, cuz i don't think that they'll understands
when everything's meant to be broken, i just want you to know who i am.."
jaded out
@ |1:04 PM|
jaded out
@ |8:35 PM|
what's it like to fall in love? will it be all that wonderful?
what's it like to all the riches in life? will u be happy?
what's it like to fail? is it regret?
what's it like to have someone break your heart? will you cry?
what's it like to hear a child cry in pain? is it heart aching?
what's it like to be disappointed? is it sorrow?
what's it like to be betrayed? is it anger?
what's it like to be alone in the dark? will u feel scared?
what's it like to face death? will it be lonely?
what's it like to laugh? is it happiness?
what's it like to cry? is it sadness?
what's it like to die? is it relief?
what's it like to live? is it painful?
why are we able to feel such things. why are we born to experience all these emotions. why do we choose to live and and suffer? people always say that tommorrow will be better. is it true? is it just a lie everyone says to everyone? when you die, will tomorrow be better too? what are we living for?
jaded out
@ |1:38 AM|
mind thinking. eyes watering. heart aching. soul falling. body dying...
jaded out
@ |1:27 AM|
i want to be damn confident on wednesday. =) and i am free on thursday and friday again!! muachaha so sadded. dialogue session with minister.. 1.15 pm in school. sianed
jaded out
@ |6:42 PM|
so many things i dream of doing. wanted to take my glove to pitch at hone. but then went out just now to eat so didn't want to have it so troublesome. actually wanted ice skating but no response one. wth. so ya. didn't go. wth. wth wth.. napped for 2 hours and woke up feeling dizzy and weird. eh dunnoe why also. hm. sigh. i am going ot be damn free from now till like forever. no pw to do. waiting for training, waiting for a levels to end. ya. it is so far away. 1 month plus. i suppose it will end soon enough. 5 day week has been implemented. where do we have training next time? must ask mr lim and MC. ya. big problem. so many ppl fighting for the field, lah.. hopefully can train with ngee ann. they got the pitching machine you see.. =p wahaha
jaded out
@ |6:39 PM|
hm. realised that it is only 15 days to a levels. if i had been promoted, i would be mugging too.. for a levels.. aiyah. i really think that being retained was a blessing in disguise. if i had been promoted, i would definitely be failing my prelims and a levels. i see so many of my peers and i feel blessed. really feel my foundation in the past was weak. and i got damn unhealthy studying habits. but never mind.. turned over a new leaf.. hm.. ya. hopefully next year this period, i wouldn't be struggling.. yeah..
2 more days.. freedom. is. near. i can smell it.
jaded out
@ |7:12 PM|
went out for lunch just now. family's been eating out alot these days.. last night's dinner, my breakfast this morning, today's lunch and dinner. bleah. i miss my mommy's soup. oh well. dad says he has plans for me from the 9 - 13. i am going to cook at home. i have got to learn how to make dumplings [shui jiao], dessert, and some other stuff. but i am not meant to be in the kitchen. i will try the fry rice and noodles too. tried the rice., and i have to say it sucked. wahah. too little rice, too much egg. makes fried rice disgusting.. wahaha. the best i can cook is spag and instant noodles. and boil water. =) i rox.
i think i am mad. will go all out for econs later at 11. must chiong. relaxing after the math paper. emptying my brain to stuff econs things inside.. hm. i think i will have training on the 9th. i go sch and pitch and throw ball the the rest who's done with their promos. yupz. also gotta start conditioing the body to prepare for competition in may next year. 1/2 a year. yeah man yeah..
***
hey ade, i know it is important to communicate and i think it is important too. friends also have to spend time together. i am aware that it's happened before. i suppose all i got to say is that if u feel that it was an excuse just because she does not want to see us or simply can't be bothered. i do not agree.. at least have some faith in this 5 year friendship..
jaded out
@ |9:17 PM|